One of my neighbours with a garden backing onto me from Old Fort Road, Shoreham by Sea has installed a hot tub against our boundary fence close to my bedroom window. One of the joys of living on Shoreham beach during the summer is to fall asleep with the sound of the waves washing the nearby shingle, however now my evenings are all too often about listening to soap lubricated nude parties that giggle and shriek into the early hours.

Last year they were making so much noise at 2am that even when I stood by the fence shouting at the top of my voice they couldn’t hear me. So I cooled them of with a shower from a nicely chilled hose pipe. I get up for work at 6am so to have them at it on a Sunday night at 2am just isn’t on.

On Friday last the outdoor soapfest was in full swing again, and by swing I mean seeing a chap with his knackers dangling around as he clambered into the tub. Nice. Knowing my black mood and wishing to avoid confrontation I went down the pub and drank enough to ensure instant oblivion when I got home, yet I still awoke at 6am to hear voices from that bloody tub again. What to do?

It seems apparent that the Police are not bothered by what they consider to be triviality, and even suggesting we’ve detected a strong smell of weed wafting over the fence probably won’t spur any action. The council suggest keeping a diary, but that necessitates listening to this crap all through a ruined summer. My house is my family space so how bloody dare they pollute our world with their noise? I want a better answer than writing a Mr Angry letter that won’t make a difference.

Suggested action has involved everything from finding some ripe road-kill to drop over the fence, through to raiding said garden and filling the tub with concrete. Now I’m a law abiding citizen who understands what constitutes trespass and criminal damage, but this neighbour is damaging our lives and I feel utterly powerless.

So here’s an idea. I’ll write that letter asking for some understanding and a cessation of outdoor orgies and mention, if they feel disinclined to agree, that I have a very good outdoor webcam that could be positioned by my fence so that I can deliver up through this website a live hot tub broadcast to the world.

I suspect that might do the trick, and even if it doesn’t work I’m going to have a lot of fun with the webcam. I’m off to write that letter. Watch this space.